David Cross -as usual- nails it

Funny guy. 

Court snorters....

Carol sent me these amusing attorney/witness interactions.  As Kate pointed out, one would initially think that the stupid things would be said by the witnesses. But as we see here, that is not necessarily the case.

ATTORNEY:      Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:        No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:        What is your date of birth?

WITNESS:         July 18th.

ATTORNEY:       What year?

WITNESS:         Every year.
_____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:        How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS:          Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY:        How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS:          Forty-five years.
_____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:       This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:         Yes.

ATTORNEY:       And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:        I forget..

ATTORNEY:      You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:      Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:        Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:      The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:        He's 20, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:      Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:        Are  you shitting me?
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:      So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:      And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:        Getting laid.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:      She had three children, right?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:      How many were boys?

WITNESS:        None.

ATTORNEY:      Were there any girls?

WITNESS:        Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:      How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:         By death.

ATTORNEY:      And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:        Take a  guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:      Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:        He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:      Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:        Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:      Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:        No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:      Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:        All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:      ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:       Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:       The autopsy started around 8:30 PM .

ATTORNEY:     And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:       If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:     Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:     So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:     How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:       Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:     I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:       Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 

This picture has always killed me

Glad I found it again! On that hard drive you got up for me, Pops. Thanks again.

I came home and discovered my furniture having sex. I'm not sure who to call...

The children will know of this horror...you must ask them.....

I wish I could find the writings about this place....funny.

Cherry Blossoms at Nats Park

Cee looking happy since she knows we're going to win

Is it shaving cream or has he actually become Santa Claus?

The Ronald Reagan International Trade Center

Where I perform on the weekends when in DC.  Like the late Ronald Reagan himself, it is an impressive conservative edifice: large, sturdy, beloved by the dimwitted, and as dumb as a pile of bricks, which it is.

They must be cleaning the monument again

On a lighter, happier note, found this pic while attempting to clean up my room

Cuties! Look at my beautiful, extraordinarily shy daughters. Outer Banks...hmm...12 years ago. And they're even cuter now, which kills me.

What with the recent spate of "decent" (quotes ironical) christians refusing to do business with gay folk and then screeching about discrimination when the law tells them they can sell either to everybody or to nobody (do they not remember that this same stupid trick didn't work with black people and Jews?) I present these small tributes to religion: the single worst thing that mankind has ever invented.

"Occifer, that tree jumped right out in front of me! "

I admire that they somehow missed the sign. Got the package Pop, thank you for everything. 

Ok, this caption really made me laugh

From this page: http://projectophile.wordpress.com/2013/02/27/mid-century-modern-dream-homes-that-will-kill-your-children/

This quote made me shoot diet coke out of my nose. 

"

Red arrows show the direction of travel of children's bodies..."

Roger Ebert died

For a man who wrote about the ephemeral world of fakitude, he was decidedly profound.  This quote may be the deepest statement I have encountered. For someone I did not know, I loved this man: he was convincing in his perception of reality, he was noble in dealing with his demise. i should be so good of a person.

"Kindness' covers all of my political beliefs, no need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out."  --Roger Ebert

Mom? You know how you wanted me to grow up to be an Islamic terrorist?

Well, good news!

Mellon Auditorium, DC

Showtime...

Off to the Mellon Auditorium...

Even when my hair sucks it rules

Thank God for one good feature... Erica, I realize you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Also tried to send this picture

Andrew Campbell, entertaining human extraordinaire, revisits the Capitol Steps. His youth at 40+ makes me feel old. Andrew,  Elaina, Andrew's wife, Mark Eaton, me taking the pic. 

Also tried to send this pic of us at the park

Sec 205. Sold out opening day. Crowded but awesome.

Hmmm...tried to send this a couple of days ago...

Opening Day,  Nats Park. Me, Katie,  Carol. We won!