I really need to straighten up

Here's a handy guide to how the Supreme Court's ruling on gay marriage may affect you, depending upon your beliefs

Something to pass along to the retarded, bigoted, shit-headed majority of residents of your state.
(from Cracked.com of all places)


If You Are a Homosexual and Are Already Married:
The federal government now recognizes your marriage as a thing, and you are eligible for tax, health, and pension benefits under federal law like any other married couple, pending further political shenanigans. You can file taxes jointly, all that shit.

If You Are a Homosexual and Want to Get Married:
This does nothing to affect you UNLESS you live in California. States are still free to decide whether or not same-sex marriage is legal; if you live in Mississippi, this does not help you. But, the voter initiative to ban gay marriage in California is now dead, pending further legal challenges or other fuckery.

If You Are a Heterosexual and Do NOT Want to Enter into a Homosexual Marriage:
You will not be required to marry a gay person. This is a common misunderstanding. This decision actually does not affect you in any way.

If You Are Currently in a Heterosexual Marriage:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Is Not Currently Married:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Hopes to Eventually Marry:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Member of a Church That Performs Wedding Ceremonies but That Does Not Believe in Gay Marriage:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Religious Official Who Performs Wedding Ceremonies but Who Thinks Gay Marriage Is Wrong:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are an Individual Who Believes Gay Marriage or Homosexuality in General Is Wrong for Religious Reasons, and Wish to Continue Expressing Those Beliefs:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are an Individual Who Believes Gay Marriage or Homosexuality in General Is Wrong for Non-Religious Reasons, and Wish to Continue Expressing Those Beliefs:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Fears This Decision Adversely Affects Your Marriage or the Concept of Marriage in General:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Fears This Decision Negatively Affects You in Some Way:
This decision does not affect you in any way.

If You Are a Heterosexual Who Suffers Anger or Anxiety at the Thought of Gay Couples Getting Married as an Abstract Concept, and Believes the Only Cure Is to Legally Prevent Gay Marriage:
This decision will cause you some degree of anger or anxiety. Otherwise, this decision does not affect you in any way.

Hope this helps!

A most likely futile attempt to straighten my stupid broken pinkies

Baskin-Robbins spoons are multi-taskable

Wary at Nationals Park

I am sure you are not aware, but the Nats have one of the truly great young ballplayers ever produced: Bryce Harper.  Last year, at 19, he was the Rookie-of-the-Year and became the youngest player to have ever made the all-star game; he plays hard like Pete Rose used to, when he hits a home run he RUNS around the bases instead of strolling.  He is the epitome of hustle and effort.  People love him.  And miss him, he's been hurt and the entire team of guys way older than him have collapsed without his energetic presence. The Nats, to put it bluntly, suck without him.

So we went to his bobblehead give-away game the other day.  We figured it might be popular, so we left a little early.  Good thing.

This is Carol guarding our bobbleheads in the most secluded place we could find at Nats Park.  Why?  Because at at 12:04pm, they ran out of bobbleheads.  The game starts at 1:35.  They had 15,000 bobbleheads: the usual giveaway amount. This is a picture of the large pressing crowd at the exact same time.

 It never looks like this.  The final crowd tally was just shy of 40,000 paid attendances. And 25,000 of them were bobblehead-thwarted on a 90°+ day. These are people who thought that coming to the park 90 freaking minutes early would be enough.  It wasn't. People were pissed.  Fortunately, we brought a bag to hide ours in.  We only left as early as we did because of false bad traffic reports. So yay for misinformation!

Oh, and the Nats got crushed early, 7-1 and came back in the eighth to make it 7-6 and then just couldn't do it.  Why?  Cause the only Bryce that was there was a damn bobblehead, that's why.

But we did get two of 'em and they're going for $50-90 on eBay, so it may work out just fine.  :)

I begin to suspect there is some connection between ice cream and fatness

And I further begin to suspect the connection is me.

Driving home from Williamsburg yesterday. ..

...drove past this lot where Kate and Jame learned to drive a stick...and where Jo pretended to learn to drive a stick...brought back a lot of amusing and frustrating memories.  All good ones. 

In our new Nazi-fied America, if you do anything any criminal ever did anywhere anytime you can now be thrown in jail

Seriously,  felonious mask-wearing is a crime? 

http://washington.cbslocal.com/2013/06/19/clown-masked-movie-goers-sentenced-to-30-days-in-jail/

Dangerously close to minor league baseball

Happy Father's Day!

Ok, for some reason this just really tickled me

Looking down on Columbus Circle from the Manhattan Mandarin Oriental

Horrible,  horrible 24-hour period.  New York never easy. But usually not this hard. Weather sucks.

Naturally, flight cancelled

Paul and I trying to get the bags back.

This is why I'm probably going to have trouble getting to New York today.

Five minutes ago it was sunny.  Moving fast. 

Birthday Lunch!

C treated me to a delicious Hard Times Cafe chili mac today.  Spaghetti, amply drowned in dark, Texas-style chili, topped with cheese and onions.  I have been jonesing for this FOREVER.  Damn that's good. Ah...now to lay on my ass and digest.  Love you guys!

Plus my batteries came in!  Charging all them suckers up now.

(And, no, I don't know why they call it Chili Mac, when they don't use macaroni. Which would also be delicious.  It should technically be called Chili Ghetti, I reckon. Or maybe SpaChili, though that sounds like something disgusting they'd find at the bottom of the whirlpool at a less-than-luxury health resort. Enough!)

On a sort of happier note...

The sort of is because my poor phone's charging jack is loose and my phone will no longer charge.  It has no juice whatsoever, so I won't be able to talk to anyone on the phone tomorrow, probably.  Sorry!  Fixing it is too pricey, and a wall charger cost a lot, too.  Here in the states, anyway.  So I ordered a wall charger and three extra batts from China and they MIGHT be here tomorrow.  I have dealt with this guy before for other phone chargers and he is fast, cheap, and his stuff always works. So, fingers crossed. Maybe I can talk to you guys on my birthday after all.  :)

Also, can't take a picture obviously, but got your package.  I opened the card....thank you thank you thank you.  Not opening the box until tomorrow. Have to have a present to open!  But your other gift goes most of the way to paying for the present I got myself:  a new TV.  Well, a refurbished TV, anyway.  But it's a large Smart TV so I can watch YouTube and Netflix and all that stuff I've been watching on my phone for the last year. Jamie Zemarel, a notoriously obsessed shopper and deal-finder found me a great deal. Also, if this one falls on my head, despite its size, I'll barely notice. Love y'all!

American Hero

I would just skip this read and go away, frankly, everyone.  Seriously. It's ranty.

This is the CIA whistle-blower.  He knows our giant, scary, illegal security machine is going to come get him and render him (maybe with a little torture, just to please the boys back home) and turn him into some sort of demonized "traitor" for having the temerity to point out to the world what a disgusting pack of control-drunken, fascist, intrusive asswipes our government has become --and thanks for that, Obama, by the way. Am I ever sorry I worked for you on election night. 

No doubt some sort of jury-rigged "evidence" will emerge that shows him to be a child molester or rapist or something.  Not like I would believe ONE WORD coming out of the Land of the Free anymore.  Free of Honesty.  Free of Representation. And coming soon: Free of Freedom!

But this guy knows the shitstorm is coming for him and he doesn't care. Thought about it. Planned ahead for it. Gave up his normal cool American life in Hawaii so that people everywhere could get at least a glimpse of the insane, destructive, paranoid, greedy, controlling apparatus America has become. I wish him all the luck in the world.  I hope Hong Kong denies extradition forever.

I also hope whatever Federal scumbag is reading this email gets terminal, hideously painful ear cancer from their eavesdropping devices.  I wish I believed in Hell, cause then I'd know that at least someday you'd get what you deserve.

Well, my thyroid is dandy, it seems

So I left another few gallons of juice for Dr. Lin. I'd cross my fingers but that would probably make me lightheaded at this point. 

Do have these things everywhere too?

Or is it just around here? 

Things that fall on my head

A giant,  ancient 32-inch tube tv. It fell so hard it scratched the screen.  Which is hard to do.  It destroyed a Nintendo system on its descent.  Thank God,  since that was all that cushioned my skull. Which still hurts.  Duh duh dumb, that's me.